Hellooooooooooo!!! How long has it been?
Life's been very busy so far. There's barely time to breathe.
And still, here i am. Blogging in the midst of my study week. I barely touched any note today. So dead. Worse, i couldn't feel death is nearing, yet.
Turning to writing for some sort of comfort because I definitely am more eloquent in written form rather than verbally. And I found that I've been more withdrawn than ever when placed in a company of people. I used to have a lot of thoughts and ideas, but if I try to express them verbally, it always sounds really garbled and disjointed. Well, at least there's still something going on on my mind.
Lately, I felt like I'm not even using my brain much. I often tune out in the midst of a conversation with basically nothing on my mind. I just blanked out. Looking like I was lost in my own thoughts.
People often do not get the point of what I am saying till I repeat them once? Twice? That's how bad I am at conveying message. The maturity of my thoughts have definitely went downhill since I don't know when because not that it's hard to start a conversation, it's also difficult to keep up with one. When I'm asked a question directed to only me, I still need time to process and arrange my thoughts before expressing them. Never a spontaneous person but I am slow now. What?
I am keeping to myself a lot lately? Thoughts just vapourised into thin air after some time. I want to talk to someone but really, there's nothing much to be said. Too much happened to family and friends. My defense mechanism chose to wipe them all out.
People often say that I speak too softly. I speak softly because I am listening to my own thoughts too much. Maybe.
People often say that I am too quiet. I tried to talk more but eventually, my true colours shone through. It was an exhausting act to put up with a face that isn't yours.
I have a lecturer in university who actually told me, "If there's a wallpaper I think you'd rather blend in it because you wouldn't care less.".
So you tell me. Am I progressing from socially awkward to a socially withdrawn person? Though I suspected that I am mildly autistic all along.
